Higher Level, Lower Level, Me

Writing is getting more confusing for me somehow. I write content less and journal more. I'm constantly reading material that pushes me to challenge what I think of myself and become aware of the fictional narratives I build for my own life.

And it's not fun. It's question after question after question. Article after book chapter after forum thread.

  • How do I differentiate between my wants and my needs?
  • What is, ultimately, negotiable about my personality?
  • How open must I be to become authentically vulnerable?
  • How do I not lose myself or get hurt attempting to do that?
  • Is there anything in the world I can truly protect myself from?
  • Is doing so entirely beside the point?

And it's not that I don't have answers to these. I do. They're just all contradictory.

So I'm increasingly self-conscious, and I don't mean that in the insecure way. I'm already insecure. I mean, I have this heightened awareness of what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, what I'm saying, and the conflicts between them all.

I now function on two different levels. The lower level, the body me, functions as best she can on instinct, but fumbles along the way without guidance. The higher level, the mind me, insists I find solid answers to all my questions before I assist lower-level me in the least.

But I manage to write anyway because it's the best way to merge the two. I've stopped writing publishable content and am strictly journaling. Practically, this means I'm posting everything that's been sitting here as a draft. What happens besides that is up in the air.